Povert

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. One reason is because Jason and I plan on doing a Wrestle that Shark about happiness. The other reason is, well, I’ve been strangely happy. There are a few reasons why I’ve been pretty happy, and a few reasons why one might think I shouldn’t be, but still am.

I think this can kind of serve as a year-end retrospective, like I did last year.

First the obvious. I haven’t mentioned this here yet, for an obvious reason. I’ve accepted a new job at Internet Broadcasting. I’ll be starting in a couple weeks. I don’t dislike my current job in any way, but the new one will help a lot with basic financial stuff. I gave my notice last week, so I can mention it now.

Other things: I haven’t had any serious problems, relationship-type or otherwise. I did recently go through a break-up, but I think it will be okay as time goes on. For a long time, I made the common mistake of pinning my happiness to relationships. Relationships are important, of course, but there’s a lot of confusing and rocky territory there too.

While money has been tight, it has proven to me that money has very little to do with happiness. Yeah, basic necessities, blah blah blah. But beyond that, buying crap really just screws a person up more — you think that getting a nice TV, computer, car, whatever will somehow provide you with a source of happiness. This is seriously the hardest thing to understand and accept — we all think we know that that’s true, but few of us really do. I still struggle with that, and probably will continue to.

Also, I’ve had some great creative outlets. I think this is probably the biggest factor. I’ve got Flapping Crane and Wrestle that Shark. There may be something else in the works too (stay tuned). There’s nothing better than doing something rather than thinking about doing something. Has every skit been a success? Depending on how you look at it, no. Could my editing or acting have been better in some of them? Of course. But that’s not the point at all. The point is I’m working with some talented, funny and good people and I’m having a blast doing it. I joked about all the work I do in Viewer Email, but the truth is, I completely love it, and I insist on doing as much as I’m able (and sometimes more — I’ve got a backlog) with most skits. It gives me something challenging to fill my time with. And Pete and I argue like an old married couple about how to shoot skits, but I enjoy even that.

If there’s one thing I tell anyone who feels directionless, listless, whatever, it is to do something. It doesn’t have to be a big production. It doesn’t have to be important. It doesn’t matter if no one pays any attention to what you’re doing. It really doesn’t matter, and it’s hard to understand that until you’ve been there. Ok, having people enjoy it is nice too, but that’s really just icing. I know advice is pretty much shit and just a commentary on one’s self, but still.

Ok, reasons why I shouldn’t be happy. I’ve already touched on these a little. I’ve basically been broke. I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck. My current job is fine, but I’d never excel at it. Not my bag (the new job may be a different matter, though). I dated a girl for a while, and I broke it off (and anyone who says that the “dumper” has it easy is full of crap — I’ve been on both ends enough to know that such comparisons are useless). Actually, I went through two breakups this year. Hmm… let’s see. I have almost no social life, though work on Flapping Crane might contribute to that. Truth be told, though, that’s kind of an excuse — I’d be no less socially retarded if I didn’t spend as much time editing videos and podcasts. My grandma has been very sick, and I dread the day that she passes away.

I’ve known a lot of very unhappy people. I don’t know if some of them still are unhappy. I’ll tell you what, though, the most unhappy people are almost incurably pessimistic. Even when I was most unhappy, I was somehow optimistic. I might, at a given point, be hopelessly depressed (and ask some good friends of mine — in my early 20′s I was a wreck), but somehow I don’t expect bad things to happen. I had one girlfriend who was even irritated with my optimism. It (my optimism) only surfaced occasionally back then, but it was always there. She was always pretty pessimistic — I hope she’s found her way out of that.

The brain is so fucking weird. If you act happy, you’ll find yourself being happy. It’s like anything else. Garbage in/garbage out. If you slouch, if you sit around mulling over your problems, if you don’t smile for no reason, if you listen to only miserable music, if you worry about shit you have no control over (that includes politics) — guess what? You’ll be miserable. You might not even realize it until you’re wallowing in your own shit (metaphorically, I hope).

You know what else goes along with that? Being a fucking snob. If you’re a snob, stop it. If there’s one thing that Flapping Crane has taught me, it’s that making good art is hard. Very, very hard. But the work is its own reward. When anonymous internet teenage assholes say rotten things about our work, it doesn’t bother me, because I love doing it. Consequently, I have a deep appreciation for anyone who tries to put their work out there. Even if I don’t much like it, I appreciate it. There are very few, if any, artists out there who really are crappy sellouts. They’re just doing what they enjoy and what they hope others enjoy. That even goes for the poor guy who edits something like COPS. If he or she does a little thing here or there that only a few (if any) people will appreciate (a clever edit or effect, I don’t know), they can still be happy with what they do.

Like Faulkner said — the hardest part of writing is sitting your ass in front of the typewriter. And I don’t take too seriously criticism from someone who hasn’t sat their ass in front of that typewriter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad if they actually enjoy the work I’ve been a part of. But my enjoyment in doing it really has nothing to do with that.

The second hardest part of writing is showing other people what your ass-sitting has produced. But it’s a distant second. Even when people roll their eyes and say how fucking weird they think I am or my friends are, I’m happy.

So if I have any advice to give anyone, don’t wait around to do things. Don’t wait until you get inspired to write the perfect novel (Erin, I was going to link to that bit of writing you did and said that you “need to…..arrgh…no! must…not…delete….”, but you deleted it — you should put it back up). Don’t wait until you somehow come into high-end video equipment. Don’t wait until you have something to talk about before starting a podcast or blog. Don’t wait until you’re ready to make your fucking masterpiece album, and for god’s sake, don’t wait for anyone to notice what a fucking genius you think you are. Just do it. You’ll be a lot happier. Don’t even worry about impressing yourself. Each project you do will be better than the last, and you’ll realize that the tools you use (or want to use) are really just arbitrary.

And for christ’s sake, pat yourself on the back when you complete a project or whatever, no matter how much more you wanted to do with it. Enjoy that you did what you did with what you had.

Ok, I’m done trying to prove how fucking smart I am.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 26th, 2005 at 10:43 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.