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Aluminum Foil Rules

Monday, January 21st, 2008

Ok, I have a huge microwave. I like it.

Downside is that its 1250 Watts of kickass likes to interfere with my wireless networking.

Kelly was making dinner tonight. She was defrosting some chicken. It was imperative that I download something entirely unimportant, but the microwave’s kickass was making connectivity impossible.

Anyone who knows anything about wireless technology knows the value of aluminum foil. It can be used to concentrate or block waves. So I wrapped about 3 feet of foil around the front of the microwave (did I mention that this thing is a freakin’ huge microwave?).

This blocked the microwave’s kickassity and allowed me to continue with whatever it was that I was doing. Keep in mind that when I did this, there was a full 2.5 minutes left on the defrost. I saved the world by downloading whatever it was that I was downloading in that time.

If you live (or have lived) in New Mexico, you also know the role aluminum foil can play in keeping your house cool while keeping up the dirt-poor image you’ve worked so hard to sustain (college brat). Add this to the list of aluminum foil’s uses.

Posted in Tech & Science, Weird and Funny | 2 Comments »

Current Status

Saturday, November 17th, 2007

In a bar outside St. Louis. Beatles cover band. Transvestites dancing.

Posted in Weird and Funny | No Comments »

Worst HTML/CSS/JS

Friday, November 9th, 2007

I’ve been working on what I believe may be some of the worst and most offensive (but still “working”) use of HTML, CSS and Javascript possible. You know, for fun.

Here’s what I’ve got so far (line breaks added for *cough* legibility):


<SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JSCRIPT>
eval("document.write('<!--[IF LT IE 9]>
<STYLE>*LI#BLUENAV{
_ZOOM:1!IMPORTANT*BACKGROUND-COLOR:
PAPAYAWHIP!IMPORTANT<![ENDIF]--></STYLE>
<BASEFONT SIZE=30 COLOR=YELLOWGREEN FACE=GEORGIA>
<TABLE CELLPADDING=10 CELLSPACING=10 BORDER=20>
<TD><U><TABLE><S><LI ID=BLUENAV>
<FONT FACE=VERDANA STYLE=FONT-SIZE:LARGE>
<B><CENTER><MARQUEE BGCOLOR=MISTYROSE WIDTH=50%>
Tacos</MARQUEE><BR>
<IMG ALIGN=LEFT SRC=SPACER.GIF WIDTH=200 HEIGHT=20>')")
</SCRIPT><NOSCRIPT><A HREF=HTTP://MICROSOFT.COM>
<FONT FACE=COURIER COLOR=SADDLEBROWN>
YOU&NBSP;NEED&NBSP;INTERNET&NBSP;EXPLORER&NBSP;TO&NBSP;
EXPERIENCE&NBSP;THIS&NBSP;WEB&NBSP;SITE&NBSP;
AS&NBSP;INTENDED

To see it in action, click here. You’ll need IE, of course. It wouldn’t be as crappy otherwise.

Key points:

  • <script> has a LANGUAGE attribute. And it’s JSCRIPT, for fun.
  • Elements are closed only when absolutely necessary
  • No quotes around element attributes
  • Nearly everything in uppercase
  • eval()
  • document.write()
  • Needlessly nested (and otherwise unnecessary) tables
  • Not a <tr> to be found.
  • Insane colors: PapayaWhip, MistyRose, YellowGreen and SaddleBrown
  • <basefont> and <font>
  • <li> without a <ul> or <ol>
  • <noscript> — some people may argue with me about this one, but it’s certainly not an indicator of whether the viewer is using IE
  • Pointless use of &nbsp;
  • <marquee>
  • <u>, <s>, <b> and <center>
  • IE conditional comments (useful, but crappy nonetheless)
  • * and _ CSS hacks
  • !important
  • Improperly formatted (but working) css
  • Opening <style> tag inside conditional comment, closing tag outside.
  • No DOCTYPE
  • No attempt at an even reasonably structured HTML document — no <html>, no <head>, no <body>, etc.
  • Oh, and SPACER.GIF doesn’t exist, of course. That’s a double-whammy, actually. Spacer images blow.

Posted in Tech & Science, WWW, Weird and Funny | No Comments »

Worst Ringtones Ever

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Trying to figure out and use the worst ringtones ever is tricky.

They have to be bad. They have to make people cringe.

But, what about irony? The crazy thing about ironic ringtones is that someone will like it.

Here’s what I’ve got on my iphone now:

  • Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
  • Hold On – Wilson Phillips
  • Straight Up – Paula Abdul
  • Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley
  • Together Forever – Rick Astley
  • Heartlight – Neil Diamond

I’ve found out (the hard way) that some people are confused and/or offended by the fact that I am employing these in a completely ironic fashion.

My vote for the worst is “Achy Breaky Heart”. It’s just awful. And if anyone… anyone compliments me on my choice of ringtone, I will play along to the fullest extent for the pure fun of it all. That is, in fact, the payoff. I want someone to nod and wink in a totally serious manner. And I’ll “That’s right!” them back.

However, Rick Astley is right up there in the running too. My current default ringtone is “Together Forever”.

So, in a bid for comments that is sure to be met with sad disappointment (what’s up with you all and your blogging-related-activities lately, eh?), what suggestions do you have for just god-awful and very funny ringtones? I already thought of Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, so don’t bother. I may consider Young MC or “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls.

Posted in Personal, Tech & Science, Weird and Funny | 10 Comments »

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